Welcome to my blog!... What the heck is wild and unfree?

Hello weird world of internet people. I am here and I am bursting with emotion and ideas and anxiety and life - that I cannot wait to get out onto the page.

I have some big life changes coming up, the biggest being moving solo to another country, and I am so excited to chronicle my achievements and failures, the laughter and tears, and everything else along the way.

I admit, this is mostly for myself, I think the Notes app on my iPhone is tired of being bombarded with random ideas. There is something inside of me telling me to put these thoughts and brain tangents out for the world to see. I like to think I am a fairly normal 21 year old. I have my fair share of insecurities, happiness, friends, crushes, medical experiences and family issues - and I know it is cliche to say, but if these posts reach one person, and help them to feel less alone in this world, and empowered them to chase the things they are afraid of, then I know the purpose is complete.

As long as I can remember, I have always been a writer. English was my class like it was no one's business, watching movies and reading books for brownie points? Hell yeah! There is something about my style of writing that has always given me an edge over my peers at the classroom desk. I think my teachers may have fueled my ego a bit, and I often struggled to see past my own nose when it came to putting my skills into action, but the heart wants what it wants - I never stopped dreaming up stories and characters with their own minds and hopes and dreams. I thought of myself as a mini Jo March, and when I discovered she was an ENFP just like myself life was never the same.

One problem. I lack the essential skill of believing in myself.

Some may say it's the undiagnosed ADHD, some say it's my parents messy divorce and my father believing more in my younger sister than myself as a substitute maternal figure for my siblings. Either or neither way, I will grow sideways at the thought of any idea that has the potential to rock my lifeboat, and I will not leave. My self-confidence is above average, I have never experienced bullying or an eating disorder (that I am conscious of) and have always had a sense of my values and who I am as a human being. It has recently been pointed out to me that I need validation in everything that I do. This arose in the workplace during a casual conversation, and I have not been able to stop thinking about it since. I can feel the need to someone to tell me what I have done is great constantly, and it hangs over me like a darkened cloud, the structure teetering and ready to break apart to soak my body with the obviousness of my own inability.

So here I am, typing away at my computer into the night, my flat-mate already in his bed snug and sound, while my angst is now rising through my gut and threatens to choke me. I watched a video somewhere that said emotions just want to be felt, so I excuse me while I go feel this uncomfortable feeling in its fullest. And you can be damn sure I am going to be proud of myself for doing so and overcoming the shame. I am able. I am wild. I am proud.

The name for this blog came to me quickly. "Wild and Unfree" - because as a woman in this world, there is nothing I long for more than to be wild and free. Wild and free from the constraints of modern society. Wild and free in the beautiful big back yard Mother Nature so kindly provides. Wild and free from the cage that is my own mind. The reason I have chosen "Unfree" is because the reality is that as a woman in this world, these desires of mine are not possible. Misogyny, violence against women, and the glass ceiling do exist. I can be wild, but I cannot be free. Mother Nature of course exists, but the natural ecosystems that hold the life together are crumbling, the fossil fuel industry is destroying Earth's natural cycles, and microplastics have been found everywhere from the Mariana Trench to the ovaries in my body. In this lifetime, I can be wild, but I cannot be free. Social Media, the wellbeing epidemic and my own sisters. No matter how much I pretend I don't care, I am just a girl. People and culture matter to me. I can march to the beat of my own drum all I want, but at the end of the day, I am still a slave to the worst parts of my own mind. I can be wild, but I cannot be free.

This blog is my own little act of rebellion. To prove to myself I am able to do things I'm scared of, and to prove to the world that just because I am unfree, doesn't mean I can't be wild. So welcome, stay as long as you please. Take what you will. Leave what you won't. I hope you enjoy your stay.